Episode Transcript
Transcribed by Otter.ai and edited by yours truly with the help of Grammarly
This episode of Sincerely, Sumayah is about when our friends/loved ones reach out to us for support and need us to be there for them. Knowing they're clearly going through a hard time, how do we approach wanting to be that loving, supportive presence in their lives, while knowing that we may be at the end of our rope? How do we acknowledge that we may need to take a rain check this time— without coming across as a bad friend who doesn't care to help?
This episode is about laying boundaries and communicating clearly where our limitations are. We get this messaging from watching TV shows and films where we see that the friend or hero always comes through at the last minute, and saves the day. It’s a championed form of self-sacrifice, we see being ever-available and ever-present part conflated with expressing true love. We internalize these messages without realizing and develop the belief that it would make us a villain to say that we are not well and that we can't hold anyone else up right now.
I would love to be there for you, but I'm barely treading water.
I'm drowning right now.
Being able to say that takes a certain amount of courage, vulnerability, and self-awareness. Another part of it is that we have the fear of not wanting to seem like we don't have it together.
You'll hear people say things like, “I'm the strong one. I'm the one everyone turns to as the therapist of the group. I'm the friend that you call when you're in trouble, and people say I give the best advice!” They say it from a position of pride, but there's an embedded expectation of needing to be superhuman in that.
It makes me wonder how you always manage to listen to everyone else. Do they reciprocate that privilege? Are you able to turn to them when you're having a hard time? Can you lean on them when you feel yourself falling apart? Or does the support only flow in one direction?
What I wanted to touch on in this episode was to invite you to think about the various relationships in your life, and examine how you fit into those relationships. Unpack the unspoken roles you signed up to play.
Are you playing the supportive partner?
Are you playing the reliable friend?
Are you playing the nice person who shows up for everyone?
If this individual is not reciprocating, where do you go to get your needs met?
Who can you turn to, if anyone, when you need support?
You're not a villain for saying you can't help at that moment
Someone calls you, it's 8 pm. You're trying to put the kids to bed, you're winding down for the evening, or you're still finishing up work or assignments—in the middle of something, you're not free.
The phone is buzzing, and you know that they're probably going to jump right into venting, doing the usual dance that you guys do together. But you just don't have it in you to pick up the phone. You hear yourself think, "Not right now! This is not the best time!".
This is where you have a decision to make: Do I show up for this person at this time? Do I leave it at the fact that I can't, and decide to call them back later?
What part of you obligates you to pick up the phone? And what part of you speaks up and says, "Not right now we just don't have it to offer".
I would encourage you to listen to the part of you that says, "Not right now", and be able to without having to ghost or hide. Text the person and tell them, "Listen, I'm in the middle of something right this second. I would love to be there for you. I'll have some time tomorrow, between 6 and 8 pm. We can sit down and I can give you my full attention. Is that okay with you? Let's talk then".
You're giving them the option and you're telling them I can't do right now, but this is what I CAN do. You're showing a willingness. It's not the same thing to shut them down and say, “Listen, I'm busy right now!”, without offering an alternative, or more appropriate time.
Showing willingness, that you do want to help, it's just that you can't do it right this second. It can look like telling them,
“I'm having a tough day, and I don't think I can support you right now. Can we touch base again, tomorrow? I'm going to have some time off work, I'll probably be able to take better care of myself and be there for you in a much better way. Does that sound alright? Is that cool?”
There's a vulnerability in saying that things aren't perfect. Saying that you struggle as well and that you might also need support because as clear as it may seem to some, it doesn't always occur to the other person that they may need to reciprocate the support they get.
It doesn't cross their mind that they may need to occasionally pause and check on how you're doing. It's not all just about them and what's going on in their world. The main character energy is driven by a belief that they're the center of the universe, and everyone else exists to support them and their needs.
It takes courage to communicate to them, "No, I need to be able to call on you and know that you will be there for me in the same way that I am for you.”
The goal is to move away from the need to feel like you have to stretch yourself to your breaking point. That you're obligated to show up for them in their time of need, even though you know you're going to resent them for it later. To allow this sense of unspoken obligation to keep you from speaking up about your boundaries and limitations. That's how you can take something that comes from a place of love, like your desire to want to help, and turn your relationship into one that is riddled with resentment, guilt, and obligation.
This is your opportunity to consider communicating what you can offer without it costing your well-being. To communicate that you do want to help, you do want to support them, and that you do in fact care. But you can only fully show up as your best self, in the fullest way, at the times, places, and circumstances that are right for you.
Do You Know The Dua That Earns You One Million Good Deeds & Erases A Million Sins?
I'm referring to the Dua you say when you are in a shop or market. I say this dua when I'm shopping online or using the Amazon or Shop apps. I've associated saying it with being in the checkout, right before hitting the final button to pay. I pause to say this dua and Ask Allah (swt) to bring what I'm spending back to me.
Here's the Dua:
لَا إِلٰهَ إِلَّا اللهُ وَحْدَهُ لَا شَرِيْكَ لَهُ ، لَهُ الْمُلْكُ وَلَهُ الْحَمْدُ ، يُحْيِيْ وَيُمِيْتُ ، وَهُوَ حَيٌّ لَا يَمُوْتُ ، بِيَدِهِ الْخَيْرُ ، وَهُوَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدِيْرٌ
Lā ilāha illā-llahu waḥdahū lā sharīka lah, lahu-l-mulku wa lahu-l-ḥamd, yuḥyī wa yumīt, wa Huwa Ḥayyun lā yamūt, bi yadihi-l-khayr, wa Huwa ʿalā kulli shay’in Qadīr.
There is no god but Allah. He is Alone and He has no partner. To Him Alone belong all sovereignty and all praise. He gives life and He gives death. He is Ever-Living and does not die. In His Hand is all good and He is over all things All-Powerful.
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “Whoever says [the above] in the marketplace, Allah shall record a million good deeds for him, wipe a million evil deeds away from him, and raise a million ranks for him.” (Tirmidhī 3429)
—via Dhikr & Dua App by Life With Allah
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As always, Jazakum Allah khair for listening, and I look forward to sharing more.
Sincerely,
Sumayah
[Episode 3] I Would Love to, But I Can't